Thursday, May 29, 2014
How to Forget Lunch
I remember as a kid hearing moms say they hadn't eaten lunch on a given day and assuming that they were either bad planners or they were too busy watching Oprah to get up and make anything. Except maybe Rotel and Velveeta dip, which is not lunch, but should be.
12) Bathe the children. It's the only way. You can rub their skin raw with a dish towel and they will still be sticky and smell of whatever they ate. It will get in the carpet and on the furniture and bugs will come and you'll have to burn down your house. Bath is easier.
I know better now. Getting anything done with little kids around is approximately seven thousand times more difficult than without, and eating is no exception.
Eating without kids is something like this:
1) Decide what to eat.
2) Obtain food.
3) Eat food.
Eating with kids is more like this representation of my actual lunch today:
1) Say it's almost lunch time. A warning is necessary. Children do not appreciate change. There is a chance someone will flip out upon hearing this news. Deal with the flip out in whatever manner your parenting style dictates. And no, you may not bring trolley, three books, and a helicopter to the lunch table.
2) Decide what to eat. When you feed yourself you answer to yourself. When you feed a child you answer to the internet as a whole. The internet thinks you should feed your child a grain-free, vegetarian diet with plenty of local, organic produce, no sugar, and no GMOs. Legumes are still up for debate. Allow five minutes for holding different foods in each hand and frantically looking back and forth while you decide which ones will provide your child with adequate nutrition. I usually go with a PB&J.
3) Listen to child's opinion. He wants cookies and the candy that some people who have clearly never seen the internet gave him at the Memorial Day parade. And to drink he wants something that you can't quite understand because he's only been speaking for a year. He may or may not be crying because he thinks you told him no, even though you really just asked him to repeat himself for the 18th time.
4) He was saying lemonade. We don't have any.
5) Change everyone's diapers. Diapers hold less when the child is sitting at the table. Diapers that have reached maximum capacity leak. It's not worth the risk.
6) Put everyone at the table. Commence infant back arching. Just grab the high chair buckle and be ready to snap it when they relax. In my experience nobody can hold a back arch for more than two minutes. Don't try to flatten the child by pushing in on the soft part of the belly. Because if they vomit you'll just have to start over.
7) Bring the food to the table. You were supposed to be making it while they asked for cookies and candy and lemonade. Sorry if I forgot to mention that. They're strapped in anyway. Just give them a cracker or something and go make the real food.
8) While the kids are eating you can make your own food.
9) When you bring your food to the table your kid wants more milk. "And warm it in the microwave, please and thank you, meow meow." (Thanks, Katarina.)
10) While you are warming the milk your children will eat your food. Not their food. Your food. Why? I have no idea. It could be brussel sprouts and sardines and they'll eat it. I've actually put their vegetables on my plate before for this very reason. Anyway, you have no food now.
11) The kids are done eating. They look like this:
 |
| Patina of bean sauce on the lower face and eyebrows |
13) Naptime! Don't get excited. No nap for you. Put the clean kids in their beds. They will say they are not tired. They may be right, but that's not the point. You are tired and you need some quiet time so you can wash the dishes, launder the lunch clothes, mop up the bathwater, clean the floor under the table, wipe down the booster seats, and decide what's for dinner.
14) You forgot to eat lunch. Hurry! Make some Rotel Velveeta dip before the kids wake up!
# posted by iamStinny @ 2:18 PM 
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